| Today we put you in the ground |
[20 Jul 2010|11:14pm] |
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mood |
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I keep thinking that I am going to wake up from all of this. That the past few days have been nothing but a dream and that when I wake up everything will be the way it was. Chris won't be dead. He will come out from hiding. I know that this isn't going to happen. I saw the casket go from the church to the hearse and to the cemetery. I said my final goodbye and turned my back on my friend. A few people around me had trouble letting that final look go. Last night at the wake I thought I heard your voice in the crowded room. I swore for a second that you were there someplace off in the corner speaking. I don't know if it was just me wanting to hear your voice or some of your family sharing the same genetic vocal chord frequencies, but I heard what I heard. Today was a very hard day. I just don't know what a gathering of old friends will be like without you around. The whole process just seems like a blur too me now. I don't think I've slept a good night sleep since Thursday when I got the news. I never knew how much I cared about you until you left us. I think the feeling was stronger for a certain someone that ended up throwing herself on your casket. I guess she realized way too late that once your dead it is too late to apologize.
You will be missed my friend, rest in piece.
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| Another friend is gone |
[16 Jul 2010|04:24am] |
I met Chris Peleshok from my days working at Northville Race track. We all used to call him more by his nickname 'Curly'. I just got the news that my buddy has passed away at 49. I really don't have all the details right now and aren't the point for me writing this. Instead I want to talk about something else that is really bothering me.
When I first started working with him I felt pretty intimated by his personality. As I grew to know him and become friends I started to realize what a smart and funny guy he was. He always had a way of making me laugh or draw me in with his insight. Chris was someone that I looked up too I guess and valued his opinion like that of my fathers. I knew that if I asked him for advice on anything, he wouldn't point me in the wrong direction and would have a very good solution.
The thing that i'm having a very hard time with right now is that he probably had no idea. I'm sure he thought of me as a friend, but had no idea how much I admired him. We lost touch a little when I stopped work at the race track, but saw him once in awhile at poker games. He always brought a glowing light to those games and made them something special. You will be missed my friend. I didn't know he was ill and I never got to really express how I thought of him. As guys it isn't always easy to share our feelings with other guys.
I don't even know who is reading this right now. Maybe we haven't seen each other in years. Maybe we ended our friendship on bad terms. Maybe we our just getting to know one another, but if you call yourself my friend know that I care very much for you. I have a very big heart and it is hard for me too loose a friend. I choose them very cautiously and if you are my friend we are for life! If you ever need anything, know I will be there. Don't take somebody for granted, let them know how you feel. You might not get the chance again.
Goodnight my friends,
I love all of you
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| FYI |
[16 Sep 2009|02:26pm] |
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Everything after this post will be friends only, so if your reading this and we aren't friends leave a comment and i'll add you.
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| Looking forward |
[08 Sep 2009|01:55am] |
I haven't updated this thing in quite a while. I guess because I have not felt like sitting down and writing about my life. So this is really overdue. I used to write things down so that I could remember and understand difficult times. I stopped writing because I didn't want internet robots to read my posts and have them pop-up on search engines. I guess since LJ has the friends-only feature I can avoid that, so maybe I will make this a regular thing again. A lot has changed since the last time I wrote anything. Let me tell you all about it.
After going months without a job, I was referred by a friend to a job in Detroit working as a chef at the Jazz Cafe. That went well until payday and they refused to pay me. It took me months of calling them constantly and contacting the Department of Labor to finally get me a paycheck. I really was starting to enjoy cooking and working in a kitchen. Since then I haven't been able to find any sort of work. The only work that I have done has been for my dad, but those odd jobs are few and far between. According to him, the used car market has gotten tougher lately because people are learning the tricks of the trade. It's so frustrating going to places everyday, filling out applications, calling back later to inquire, and not getting the job. It's a shitty cycle that just keeps repeating itself over and over again. I went into the Box Bar in Plymouth because they had a huge help wanted sign in the window, filled out the paperwork, and when I handed it in I noticed a folder stuffed with applications. It feels like it is the same thing everyplace I try. So the search continues...
This will be my last year of school at Community College and hopefully after this year I will graduate. I will have an Associates Degree in Computer Information Systems. I feel like a change of scenery would do me a world of good. I want to get out of my parents house, in fact I need too, so that I can get student loans.
After my birthday my girlfriend split up with me. I'm not sure where things went bad so fast. The whole thing has me feeling so lost. I tried to work things out with her, but was unsuccessfully. It is very hard for me too let go of someone that I love very much. Nobody really tells you how to get through things like this without going completely insane. The past couple of weeks have been pretty rough on me. I believe that everything happens for a reason though. I am looking at myself very critically right now and I don't like that I see. I am trying to be more honest with myself and realize it is alright for me to feel sad. However, I need to not let myself slip into regret. Crushing my brain over what I should have done in the past isn't going to get me anywhere. I have wasted enough time feeling bad and I am sick of it. I want to work hard and be proud of myself again. I know what I have to do and I have the ability to do it, the hard part is motivating my ass too actually go about doing it. I need to get back to my ambitious self. I need to find out what motivates me and figure out how to keep myself motivated. I am too comfortable with the way my life is going, or going nowhere, something must change.
I think I am going to stop going to the bars, stop going out every night, and stop drinking. Instead I am going to take the money that I used to spend partying and buy myself a gym membership. I look in the mirror and I look at a skinny body that I wish was stronger. I think that building some strength in my body will help build up my confidence. Confidence is a tool that I am lacking, always have been. I need to awaken the Lion that is screaming in my heart to get out. Who is going to believe in me when I don't even believe in myself.
I don't think these goals are very far out and they are definitely attainable. Today is the day.
Wow, I have been sitting here for the past hour writing non-stop! I have so much more to say, but I think I should save that for next time. It feels good to write this down and get it off my chest, but all this talk doesn't mean anything if I don't back it up with action.
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| picture post |
[30 Apr 2009|02:24am] |
My god, it is full of stars
I wanna get drunk here...
and wake up here
Great man of peace
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| My feelings |
[30 Apr 2009|01:58am] |
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mood |
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 excited |
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I finally have a second to reconnect with my feelings. Sitting here right now too tired to sleep, I feel like examining myself through a journal entry.
I realize I hate the majority of my graphic design instructors. The best teachers I have had in this subject are the ones that are have a background in physical forms of art(sculpture, painting, ceramics, drawing). I feel like they ones without this background have no idea what thinking outside of the box is. For example, I tried to get creative with one of my projects that is to be done in Adobe Illustrator. The instructor wanted us to do something along the lines of a paper cut exercise with computer tools. I was not allowed to use any of the brushes. I went ahead and did it my own way with the brush effects and in my opinion came out with a superior project because of it. Instead of being rewarded for my creativity, I ended up getting no credit. Today I created a new image by the letter of the assignment and came up with something that looks like shit. I don't even think I saved it, I hated it that much. I wish I wouldn't get penalized for trying to make something more then the assignment calls for, oh well. The sad part is I will end up with full credit, even thought the image sucks.
The good news is that by next semester this time I will have my Associates degree in Computer Information Systems. After that I'm not really sure what I will end up doing. I really want to finish my degree and at least end up with a Bachelors.
3 out of 4 finals done and going right a long smoothly. This semesters teachers really kind of sucked. The only legit teacher was Mr.Fox my Systems Analysis prof. He was so good at his job he made me never want to be one. The class was the hardest one I've taken since Anatomy & physiology at Washtenaw. I think I need that kind of challenge when it comes to school or I don't do well at all. Speaking of challenge I signed up for a Basic Algebra class next semester that is 7 weeks long and 4 days a week. I need to pass this class and I will pass this class. Wish me luck.
I am leaving July 9th with my girlfriend for Norway for 2 weeks. I haven't had the time yet to read the books I got from the library about what to do. We bought our tickets the other night and I am fucking stoked. I regularly have dreams about going back to Europe. It has been since 2006 that I've been on any sort of adventure, about time I think! This will be the first time me and Lilyan are going on a trip. Lately our relationship has grown and I know that we are going to have a great time. I can't fucking wait!
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| Just Like Tom Thumb's Blues |
[25 Apr 2009|03:51am] |
We end up fat and old
I've never been with some many people I know and felt so alone
The wind is whipping outside
-it makes the windows and doors bang
I have a final due in 8 hours
I will only sleep 5 hours tonight
I am looking forward to traveling with my girlfriend
-I am looking forward to seeing someplace different
I need to get back to being ok with myself
I'm not sure what the point of writing this is
If your lost in the rain in Juarez
-And it's Eastertime too
I was just thinking about something I heard Bob Dylan say in an interview. He starts talking about destiny is like a feeling that you know something about yourself that no one else does. The picture you have in your mind of what you are about will come true. Its the type of picture that you have to keep in your mind because it is a fragile thing and if you put it out there someone will come along and kill it. Pretty good advice.
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| Made with Adobe Illustrator |
[27 Mar 2009|04:35am] |
I Warholed my girlfriend
A poster for an imaginary art show
I had fun making this whale come to life
I painted the skyline of Detroit in my friends basement (not finished).
I am getting good with Illustrator even when I curse the day it was made. I can't deny the excitement that I get from turning nothing into something. I would love to get paid to do this type of stuff.
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[27 Mar 2009|04:26am] |
I really should update this more on a regular basis instead of when I can't sleep/ having nothing better to do. I used to love to write in this thing. I'll try harder from now on, in the meantime PICTURES!!
Had to have some Busey
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| pissed off |
[19 Mar 2009|04:35am] |
Hello,
This e-mail is directed to the person in charge of the e-mail list that lets members know of the ticket pre-sale date in their area. If this address is not correct in reaching said person, can you please forward it on. Thank you.
An e-mail was sent out to me some 20 hours before the ticket pre-sale. By the time I had read the e-mail, earlier today, all tickets had been sold out. You sent out an e-mail survey after the last tour that I took the time to reply too it and told you how I felt, now I hope you listen to what I have to say. You wanted to know how to make things better and how to get to more people interested in your music. As a loyal fan I feel very disappointed I was unable to get the pre-sale tickets that I normally do every time your band comes to Detroit, Michigan. I know I am not alone when I scratch my head in wonder at how this all went so bad. I think that more advanced notice of the pre-sale would of been helpful for me and all this could of been avoided. If your going to bother even telling us about the pre-sale and even having a pre-sale at all, a heads up three or four days ago would of been enough to avoid all of this. It really doesn't bother me having to pay whatever price to get into your concerts. NIN is my favorite band and and I have always awaited your return to the Motor city every year. I'm really kind of upset I am not going to be seeing you up front. You really have to give us some kind of heads up a few days before the sale so we can arrange to be at our computers when the tickets go on sale. I hope this letter doesn't come off as bitchy in any way, I just got the bad news about missing the sale and I want to let you know about a really bad flaw in your system. Us true blue fans don't always check their e-mails 4 times a day and can miss out on important things like pre-sales. Please feel free to reply back and let me know if you can fix this problem.
Your fan,
Robert McCausland
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| These pictures |
[21 Feb 2009|04:31am] |
......they all remind me of a good mood
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| Obama: U.S. not your enemy |
[27 Jan 2009|02:07am] |
Obama: U.S. not your enemy
Ben Smith Mon Jan 26, 10:56 pm ET
Original posted on yahoo
President Barack Obama presented a humble and conciliatory face of America to the Islamic world Monday in the first formal interview since he assumed office, stressing his own Muslim ties and hopes for a Palestinian state, and avoiding a belligerent tone — even when asked if America could "live with" an Iranian nuclear weapon.
The interview with the Dubai-based Al-Arabiya Network was a dramatic piece of public diplomacy aimed at capitalizing on the new American president's international popularity, though it balanced America's traditional commitment to Israel, whose security Obama called "paramount.'
( Read more... )
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| oh ya! |
[19 Jan 2009|01:08am] |
3-8pm at the Russell Gallery in Detroit.
See the 1,000(maybe 100) paper cranes suspended from the ceiling.
It will be a great show, come out!
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| I guess like it or not |
[13 Jan 2009|01:33am] |
If this guy doesn't film this, no one would ever believe it. This video disturbs me greatly and if I was in this guys shoes I'm sure I'd do something similar to this. It still pisses me off when I think about the times I've crossed the border from Detroit to Canada in Windsor and got detained by those agents. They trash your car and leave everything out on the ground for you to clean up. If we got this one fat blonde women manning the immigration we where sure to get pulled off to the side and inspected, she hated us. It would piss me off beyond belief to come across one of these road blocks and be treated like that in my own country.
Today's Weird Word:
Blond (also spelled blonde)
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| i got bored |
[10 Jan 2009|04:25am] |
so i made these outta gary busey's fucked up head
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| On a light note |
[04 Jan 2009|01:27am] |
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I need a job, anyone know where I can start looking? Michigan is in the shiter right now and the money I had in my 401K has lost half its value, yay! Any ideas?
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| Stupid Wars and Stupid Leaders |
[04 Jan 2009|01:00am] |
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I wonder if one day we as a people will ever learn from the mistakes of the past. We can look at history and it clearly tells us what happens when a people is forcibly displaced. The military loose is nothing compared to the numbers of dead civilians. Israel goes into Gaza and Sri Lanka continues to fight the Tamil Tigers. They fight over a line in the sand and the innocent our the ones that pay the price. Those high up are drunk with power and do not care about the people that get caught in the cross fire. If you ask the people that the government is representing, they do not want war. Who in there right mind wants to see death and destruction? That is why generals sit the farthest back from the action. It is easy to push pieces across a chess board when you don't see the consequences of those moves. It just really gets to me when I think about the people that this will effect and the apathetic response by those with influence. We must grow smarter and learn to resolve problems in a different way. Peace must take precedence over war. There has got to be a better way!
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